he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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