On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
