I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
