Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
