omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
