Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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