Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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