break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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