The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
