I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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