we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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