He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
