i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm really busy with my period
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