Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
