Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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