I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
