you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
