so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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