True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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