When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
