Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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