the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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