I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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