I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
