Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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