i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
