I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
