My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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