I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You were trust falling into bushes
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
