All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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