God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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