dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
