This girl is more easily done than said...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My dick has a subreddit
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
