I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
she woke up with a sticky ear
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize