I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
