Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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