Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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