I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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