My Higher Power is John Stamos
my sisters under your porch take her home
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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