don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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