I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
