did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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