you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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