My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
