These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
