Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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