I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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