I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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