Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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