I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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