happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
