I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize