Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i out mim tonsoeep
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