How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
