he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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