Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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