So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
