i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have grass duct taped all over my body
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize