I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
