Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
